Nesting

Once I moved into my new condo, I found I was falling in love with it. I'd only rented apartments or cottages until then, so this was an adventure. I began by shopping. I had some money left after buying the condo and car, and oddly, I wasn't going to be eligible for disability insurance if I had too much money in the bank. It was bizarre. So, though I was very easily exhausted by a drive to Hyannis where the stores were, I went, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, and bought things I needed for the house. I began with an oriental rug for the living room. Then a mattress for the old brass bed I'd found somewhere, and wonderfully soft sheets and duvet. This was critical, as I was spending a lot of time in bed when I wasn't shopping. 

I brought Terry with me to tell me what to get for the kitchen. She'd been cooking for people with AIDS, making macrobiotic meals in someone's basement kitchen, and I knew she knew way more about what I'd need. It was an education. It also felt like I was shopping for a wedding, sans spouse. Yeah, that girlfriend and I were history by this time. China patterns. cookware, knives. I compromised on some things I didn't really need, like fancy silverware. My design sense said Japanese stainless with wooden handles, my budget said stainless made in America. I needed everything, down to the map-of-the-world shower curtain I just had to have.

When I went to the car dealership I brought Adrienne, who took a turn at test driving the one I eventually settled on. She drove it like a race car driver, scaring me a little, but I was pleased with how the thing handled. Again, not a Ferrari, but a perfectly good Honda. This was the first new car I'd ever owned, and it was a heady experience to buy it with a single check. The dealer fairly drooled. I only later regretted I was in such a hurry to have it that I told them I didn't need air conditioning, which would take a few days to install. Instead, Adrienne and I went to the mall for a couple of hours while they detailed it (again, shopping for more stuff) then drove the thing home. It was really stupid not to get air conditioning, as I was embarking on 23 years worth of hot flashes. They started three days into the radiation treatments. 

Right about that time, I began having baby dreams. I'd never thought about having children, but there they were, baby dreams. They made me sad. Loss is loss, no matter how you look at it.

It went on and on that summer until I had run the bank account down to the right level. What happened then was that I was in acquisition mode with no outlet. I needed to bring more things home. So I began going to Herring Cove Beach every day, picking up bags of smooth flat pebbles for the space under my outdoor faucet. It's amazing how many rocks one needs to cover a 4'X4' area. I chose soft gray lozenge shaped ones and pearly white round ones.